All In The Name of Hope

I want to grasp hope between my fingers and never let go.
But, when sadness and doubt enters my heart,
Hope, like tiny grains of sand, slips away from me and is carried by the wind like dust.
I then, in the end, feel like I am left with nothing.




Love Is…

…when your brother disassembles an elliptical machine to make sure it fits in an Equinox!

Yesterday, I drove to Jonathan’s house to pick up his elliptical machine that he has graciously let us borrow for the time being. While he was disassembling a few parts, I thanked him for doing this for us, as it is not physically easy to load up exercise equipment in a car and it is a little time consuming. However, knowing my brother, I knew he was having fun being in his element (he loves working with tools).

Jonathan is a very giving person that would drop anything he is doing for his family. This selfless quality is something he gets from my dad. He mentioned that he was happy to help us in someway, considering he does not know what he can do for us in our situation. Little does he know, his time and generosity is more than enough.

Jonathan, if you happen to read this, thank you.



Thoughts of the Moment

My hysteroscopy/mock transfer appointment is this upcoming Monday. I am not looking forward to having a camera in my uterus, but after our appointment, I think we will have enough data needed to complete the pre-IVF report.

I believe we will also be meeting with the IVF nurse to discuss our plan of action for this summer. After my first initial appointment, I was able to lose half the weight my doctor recommended.  I was really proud of myself, however, my weight has been fluctuating so much lately, I am starting to feel discouraged. I could do a better job monitoring the type of food I am eating, but I also have other variables that are making things a little bit more challenging;

  1. Hypothyroidism makes me feel bloated and sluggish. I need another two weeks until my body will feel the effects of the synthroid.
  2. I was put on birth control specifically the mock transfer next monday. Now, we all know the side effects that come with birth control. NO BUENO.

Now, somethings I could improve on my own include; no alcohol, no pop and less carbs. I am not willing to give up coffee, but I am willing to monitor the amount of cream and sugar I like to indulge. I could do much better but at least I am trying.

I am starting to feel a little excited for our IVF journey, but it is incredible how my mind goes above and beyond to protect my feelings and my heart. I am too cautious because I know better, but gosh, I hope this is all worth it in the end.





The Honest Truth

I know what some people are thinking. My younger brother and his wife just had a baby. How are we taking this? I can assure you, I do not have any mixed feelings towards Jonathan for having a child before me. If anything, I have great love and admiration for him, his wife and their son. Sometimes I wonder why there are certain societal expectations that I am suppose to feel a certain way. I do not want to deny that some days are hard, but when it comes to family, the only feeling I have is love.

Since Jon and Caitlin announced their pregnancy, there was only one time that I really felt sorry for myself. Coincidentally, it was the day they announced their pregnancy to my parents. Every September, my dad and I celebrate our birthdays together with the rest of the family. Last year, the plan was for Jon and Cait to surprise my dad with a variety of baby items. I loved the idea and so did Steve and my sister, Alexandra. We were all thrilled that we would be a part of this memorable moment to share with our parents.  Finally, it was the day of the big reveal and I felt fine until the very moment my parents realized that they were going to be grand parents for the very first time. Mom and dad was taken aback by the surprise and while they were happily processing the news, they looked me in the eye for a few seconds too long. They did not have to say anything, I knew that while they were so happy, they also felt sorrow for Steve and myself. Despite this, I held in my tears until the moment I gave Caitlin her gift. For years, I have been waiting to purchase a little keepsake book for myself called, “Letters for my Baby”. Well, I was no where near pregnant and I wanted to get her something sentimental, so, I purchased her this book.

letters to my baby

When she opened her gift, I knew that she loved it instantly. It was at that very moment that I could no longer hold my tears back. I cried then and I cried all the way until we arrived at Benihana for dinner. Eventually the tears subsided until my dad told me that God was waiting to give us something special. Yes, you guessed right, I cried some more. Oh I felt terrible, but I could not help it. I was so elated for Jon and Cait, but I felt so sorry for myself, Steve and our struggles with infertility. After dinner, when we arrived back home and I was getting ready to leave, Caitlin approached me, hugged me and said, “I am not taking any of this personally, I can’t even imagine what it is like to be in your shoes right now. I want you and Steve to talk to us about anything, you know we are here for you both and I know that you are so happy for us”. This is one of the many reasons why I love Caitlin. I feel like she has always been a sister to me, even well before she got engaged to my brother.

I do not understand why our life took this course, but I have to believe that there is a purpose for it. I am confident that Steve and I will get through this and we are very fortunate to have a great support system rooting for us. I also believe that a positive attitude will take us far.

Besides, a little faith never hurt anybody.



PreIVF Report

We have decided to obtain a PreIVF report that analyzes our health data and develops an IVF prediction model that will determine how many cycles of IVF we will most likely need. I told Steve that I do not want to make any decisions without it, as it is pointless to hypothetically assume which route we want to pursue if we do not know our odds. Do we want to do a refund program? What about the multi-cycle program? I have no idea, but until I know the numbers, I am not interested in making any plans.

I mentioned recently that I am not a planner. Planning, to me, makes me feel like I am suffocating. I do not write to do lists and I write in my calendar only as a reminder of pertinent things I have done during the day, after the fact of course. Planning, interferes with my spontaneous spirit that thrives on adventure. I can go on, but planning is for the birds.

Despite my disdain for planning, it seems like we have no choice in the matter. Perhaps this is the perfect opportunity to appreciate time in a different sense than I am use to.