All In The Name of Hope

Hope.
I want to grasp hope between my fingers and never let go.
But, when sadness and doubt enters my heart,
Hope, like tiny grains of sand, slips away from me and is carried by the wind like dust.
I then, in the end, feel like I am left with nothing.

-E

 

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The Honest Truth

I know what some people are thinking. My younger brother and his wife just had a baby. How are we taking this? I can assure you, I do not have any mixed feelings towards Jonathan for having a child before me. If anything, I have great love and admiration for him, his wife and their son. Sometimes I wonder why there are certain societal expectations that I am suppose to feel a certain way. I do not want to deny that some days are hard, but when it comes to family, the only feeling I have is love.

Since Jon and Caitlin announced their pregnancy, there was only one time that I really felt sorry for myself. Coincidentally, it was the day they announced their pregnancy to my parents. Every September, my dad and I celebrate our birthdays together with the rest of the family. Last year, the plan was for Jon and Cait to surprise my dad with a variety of baby items. I loved the idea and so did Steve and my sister, Alexandra. We were all thrilled that we would be a part of this memorable moment to share with our parents.  Finally, it was the day of the big reveal and I felt fine until the very moment my parents realized that they were going to be grand parents for the very first time. Mom and dad was taken aback by the surprise and while they were happily processing the news, they looked me in the eye for a few seconds too long. They did not have to say anything, I knew that while they were so happy, they also felt sorrow for Steve and myself. Despite this, I held in my tears until the moment I gave Caitlin her gift. For years, I have been waiting to purchase a little keepsake book for myself called, “Letters for my Baby”. Well, I was no where near pregnant and I wanted to get her something sentimental, so, I purchased her this book.

letters to my baby

When she opened her gift, I knew that she loved it instantly. It was at that very moment that I could no longer hold my tears back. I cried then and I cried all the way until we arrived at Benihana for dinner. Eventually the tears subsided until my dad told me that God was waiting to give us something special. Yes, you guessed right, I cried some more. Oh I felt terrible, but I could not help it. I was so elated for Jon and Cait, but I felt so sorry for myself, Steve and our struggles with infertility. After dinner, when we arrived back home and I was getting ready to leave, Caitlin approached me, hugged me and said, “I am not taking any of this personally, I can’t even imagine what it is like to be in your shoes right now. I want you and Steve to talk to us about anything, you know we are here for you both and I know that you are so happy for us”. This is one of the many reasons why I love Caitlin. I feel like she has always been a sister to me, even well before she got engaged to my brother.

I do not understand why our life took this course, but I have to believe that there is a purpose for it. I am confident that Steve and I will get through this and we are very fortunate to have a great support system rooting for us. I also believe that a positive attitude will take us far.

Besides, a little faith never hurt anybody.

-E

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School and Work Life

My life has been full the last few days since my last post.

School life: Spring semester is officially over. I just submitted my pathophysiology  final and I have a nice little break before summer semester begins. My plan at the moment is to take two classes during the summer and take three classes in the fall. Hopefully I will be able to graduate with my BSN this December. It may be a little tricky with our family planning endeavors, but I am going to try my best to graduate this year.

Work life: Work has been very stressful for me the last few shifts. This weekend especially, was probably the most atrocious weekend in my career thus far. Maybe it is a little harsh to say as nobody has died under my watch, but there are a lot of changes being implemented in my work place that are making things difficult. Am I hopeful that things will get better? Always. Until then, I recently purchased additional liability insurance to protect my license I worked so hard for.

-E

 

 

 

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Pelvic Ultrasound & Sonohysterogram

Today, I had an appointment for a pelvic ultrasound and sonohysterogram. While I have not been looking forward to this day, I admit that I was eager to have one more thing checked off our “to do list”.

Upon my arrival to the clinic, I was asked to pee in a cup. Fine, piece of cake. I knew that this task would be the least invasive thing I had to worry about. Afterwards, the medical assistant obtained my vital signs and then instructed me to go into the ultrasound room and undress from the waist down.

The first test that was performed was the pelvic ultrasound. I have had one before so I knew what to expect, although, it does not make it any easier knowing that a wand, one that is not magical by any means, be inserted to navigate the treacherous conditions of my beloved uterus via sound waves.

After the pelvic ultrasound, I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. M. She is an OB/GYN that works for the fertility clinic. She gave me results of my blood work and said that my pelvic ultrasound looked great. We then discussed Steve’s recent semen analysis. While there has been some improvement, the semen volume and morphology are still low. Apparently, his sperm count is fantastic, but due to low semen volume, there is not enough room for the sperm to swim, therefore, they are destroying one another. I asked Dr. M for her professional opinion if IVF would be more beneficial than IUI and she said yes, we should proceed with IVF. Knowing that I still had the sonohysterogram to look forward to, I told Dr. M that I was cautious with expressing any hopes with pursing any option as I wanted to make sure that everything was okay with my anatomy.

Thus, leads to the final exam; the sonohysterogram. After my less than pleasant experience I had with the  hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test last year, I was a little apprehensive for this one. Also, to my surprise, Dr. M was not performing this exam. I was fortunate enough to have the OB/GYN resident do it. Yes, I am being sarcastic, but for the sake of learning, she needs the experience to be the best physician she can be. First, a speculum was inserted and after a few quick and painful jabs to my cervix, the resident informed me that she was going to use another type of speculum as my “cervix was high”, whatever that means. After the speculum was in place, she swabbed my cervix with iodine. She then inserted a catheter into my uterus and that is when the cramping started. Holy hell was it uncomfortable. She then injected a saline solution through the catheter, removed the speculum and then the not so magical wand was inserted again to check for any abnormalities. Thankfully, both fallopian tubes were patent and my uterus looked just fine. The wand and catheter was removed and the exam was over.

I have to say, it was extremely painful for me. My period cramps have always been painful, but this was far worse. It was also weird that I could feel AND hear the saline being injected into my uterus. All the while I was taking the deep breaths, avoiding any tears, I was the resident’s cheerleader, ensuring her she was doing a great job because that is the kind of person I am.

One may think that this was an adventure that lasted most of the day, but I was at the office for about an hour. I am so thankful my mother and sister were able to come with me as they were able to keep me preoccupied before and after my appointment.

Until next time.

-E

 

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Poetry, Prose and The Universe

I wrote this after having an incredible experience at Barnes and Noble last month. It was a great opportunity to share my writing and my love for interventions from the unknown.

March 2, 2017

This afternoon, while driving to Barnes and Noble, I once again found myself thinking about if I could ever find the strength and courage to recite my poetry in front of a group of people. This has been weighing heavily on my mind lately and is just one of the many thoughts I think about on a daily basis. Honestly, I am not shy by any means, but I am quiet, reserved and only like to share parts of me with people that I trust. I contemplate this issue that has been plaguing my mind the last few weeks and I park my car. Once I am inside Barnes and Noble, I walked towards the poetry section where I found an older gentleman browsing through a book while I naturally look for Charles Bukowski’s poetry and prose.

A few moments pass by when the gentleman sparks a conversation with me,

“Do you like poetry?”

I smile and say, “I do”.

He then asks, “Do you write poetry?”

With confidence and pride I say, “I do”.

“Well, if I recite a poem of mine, I would like you to recite one of your poems to me”.

At this moment I am turning red and trying to articulate my words as I was taken aback by his request.

“You want me to recite one of my poems? I do not know any by heart. Actually, this is not true, I do know a few by heart, but I do not know if I can do this.”

He says to me, “Sure you can, I will recite one and then you can do the same”.

I then say, “Listen, I would be happy to hear your poem, but I want to apologize in advance that I may not be able to fulfill my part of the bargain”.

He then says, “Okay, I am going to recite a poem for you. It is called ‘Dreams’”.

He recites his poem and my body is feeling numb by this out of this world encounter. Little does he know, the word “dream” is a word that is a common theme in my life and holds great meaning. When he is done, I thank him for taking the time to share his poem for me and apologize for my lack of confidence. I then tell him that I am a firm believer of being at the right place at the right time and he laughs, puts his hand on my left shoulder and he said, “So do I, God bless you young lady”. He walks away from me and I am in awe. It was not even 10 minutes ago that I was asking myself if I would ever have the courage to share my writing/poetry with anyone and then to meet this person was mesmerizing. Sure, I let fear get the best of me, but this was not a chance encounter.

A few moments pass by and I have this feeling of urgency come over me that I need to find this person. I tell myself, “God, if this is a sign of the universe that is to hold great meaning in my life, this man needs to say the word ‘angel’”.

I walk by the puzzle books and I find him standing there. We exchange names, talk about our careers and then I tell him about how I had a conversation with myself about having the courage to share my poetry with the masses. He then says, “We are just two people, browsing books at this fine place, reading poetry to fulfill our sensitive nature. Do you think this is by chance? I do not think so. I hope this meeting was fulfilling for you as it was for me. If I may, I have one last thing to tell you”.

We are facing each other again and our eyes lock. At this point I am crying because I am a very spiritual person, a spiritual person that is open to wisdom, kindness and life lessons from people I encounter in this life.

He then says, “Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, ‘Grow, grow.’”

He said the word angel

Thank you, universe.

-E

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