The Honest Truth

I know what some people are thinking. My younger brother and his wife just had a baby. How are we taking this? I can assure you, I do not have any mixed feelings towards Jonathan for having a child before me. If anything, I have great love and admiration for him, his wife and their son. Sometimes I wonder why there are certain societal expectations that I am suppose to feel a certain way. I do not want to deny that some days are hard, but when it comes to family, the only feeling I have is love.

Since Jon and Caitlin announced their pregnancy, there was only one time that I really felt sorry for myself. Coincidentally, it was the day they announced their pregnancy to my parents. Every September, my dad and I celebrate our birthdays together with the rest of the family. Last year, the plan was for Jon and Cait to surprise my dad with a variety of baby items. I loved the idea and so did Steve and my sister, Alexandra. We were all thrilled that we would be a part of this memorable moment to share with our parents.  Finally, it was the day of the big reveal and I felt fine until the very moment my parents realized that they were going to be grand parents for the very first time. Mom and dad was taken aback by the surprise and while they were happily processing the news, they looked me in the eye for a few seconds too long. They did not have to say anything, I knew that while they were so happy, they also felt sorrow for Steve and myself. Despite this, I held in my tears until the moment I gave Caitlin her gift. For years, I have been waiting to purchase a little keepsake book for myself called, “Letters for my Baby”. Well, I was no where near pregnant and I wanted to get her something sentimental, so, I purchased her this book.

letters to my baby

When she opened her gift, I knew that she loved it instantly. It was at that very moment that I could no longer hold my tears back. I cried then and I cried all the way until we arrived at Benihana for dinner. Eventually the tears subsided until my dad told me that God was waiting to give us something special. Yes, you guessed right, I cried some more. Oh I felt terrible, but I could not help it. I was so elated for Jon and Cait, but I felt so sorry for myself, Steve and our struggles with infertility. After dinner, when we arrived back home and I was getting ready to leave, Caitlin approached me, hugged me and said, “I am not taking any of this personally, I can’t even imagine what it is like to be in your shoes right now. I want you and Steve to talk to us about anything, you know we are here for you both and I know that you are so happy for us”. This is one of the many reasons why I love Caitlin. I feel like she has always been a sister to me, even well before she got engaged to my brother.

I do not understand why our life took this course, but I have to believe that there is a purpose for it. I am confident that Steve and I will get through this and we are very fortunate to have a great support system rooting for us. I also believe that a positive attitude will take us far.

Besides, a little faith never hurt anybody.

-E

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