School and Work Life

My life has been full the last few days since my last post.

School life: Spring semester is officially over. I just submitted my pathophysiology  final and I have a nice little break before summer semester begins. My plan at the moment is to take two classes during the summer and take three classes in the fall. Hopefully I will be able to graduate with my BSN this December. It may be a little tricky with our family planning endeavors, but I am going to try my best to graduate this year.

Work life: Work has been very stressful for me the last few shifts. This weekend especially, was probably the most atrocious weekend in my career thus far. Maybe it is a little harsh to say as nobody has died under my watch, but there are a lot of changes being implemented in my work place that are making things difficult. Am I hopeful that things will get better? Always. Until then, I recently purchased additional liability insurance to protect my license I worked so hard for.






PreIVF Report

We have decided to obtain a PreIVF report that analyzes our health data and develops an IVF prediction model that will determine how many cycles of IVF we will most likely need. I told Steve that I do not want to make any decisions without it, as it is pointless to hypothetically assume which route we want to pursue if we do not know our odds. Do we want to do a refund program? What about the multi-cycle program? I have no idea, but until I know the numbers, I am not interested in making any plans.

I mentioned recently that I am not a planner. Planning, to me, makes me feel like I am suffocating. I do not write to do lists and I write in my calendar only as a reminder of pertinent things I have done during the day, after the fact of course. Planning, interferes with my spontaneous spirit that thrives on adventure. I can go on, but planning is for the birds.

Despite my disdain for planning, it seems like we have no choice in the matter. Perhaps this is the perfect opportunity to appreciate time in a different sense than I am use to.



The Biggest Blackest Folder

Before I left the office yesterday, I was given a thick black folder with all sorts of information regarding IVF. Enclosed were pamphlets for IVF financing, a medication list, information from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and scary consents about what to do with the embryos in case of death or divorce.

Later in the afternoon, the clinic left me a voicemail stating that if we decide to do IVF, I need to schedule a hysteroscopy and a mock transfer. Steve reviewed the paperwork while I drew him little diagrams of petri dishes, tiny pipettes, a handful of sperm and an egg, waiting to be fertilized thanks to assisted reproductive technology.  After having a discussion about his recent analysis, we have decided that IVF will be the best option for us. Then again, we really do not have a choice. We have no other option. Are we scared? We are absolutely terrified. However, I think the most painful thing about this all is that we are afraid of being too excited until we know this process will work for us.

This morning I scheduled the hysteroscopy and mock transfer for next month and tomorrow we have a meeting with the IVF financial counselor. I am slowly realizing how time consuming this is, especially for someone that is not a planner by any means. No point of complaining about this now because this is just the beginning, but I have a feeling I will be learning from this experience.

By the way, writing has helped me the last few days and the phone calls and text messages from the people we love have been heartwarming.  Trust me, I am really putting forward my best efforts to be more open.

One day at a time, right?



Pelvic Ultrasound & Sonohysterogram

Today, I had an appointment for a pelvic ultrasound and sonohysterogram. While I have not been looking forward to this day, I admit that I was eager to have one more thing checked off our “to do list”.

Upon my arrival to the clinic, I was asked to pee in a cup. Fine, piece of cake. I knew that this task would be the least invasive thing I had to worry about. Afterwards, the medical assistant obtained my vital signs and then instructed me to go into the ultrasound room and undress from the waist down.

The first test that was performed was the pelvic ultrasound. I have had one before so I knew what to expect, although, it does not make it any easier knowing that a wand, one that is not magical by any means, be inserted to navigate the treacherous conditions of my beloved uterus via sound waves.

After the pelvic ultrasound, I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. M. She is an OB/GYN that works for the fertility clinic. She gave me results of my blood work and said that my pelvic ultrasound looked great. We then discussed Steve’s recent semen analysis. While there has been some improvement, the semen volume and morphology are still low. Apparently, his sperm count is fantastic, but due to low semen volume, there is not enough room for the sperm to swim, therefore, they are destroying one another. I asked Dr. M for her professional opinion if IVF would be more beneficial than IUI and she said yes, we should proceed with IVF. Knowing that I still had the sonohysterogram to look forward to, I told Dr. M that I was cautious with expressing any hopes with pursing any option as I wanted to make sure that everything was okay with my anatomy.

Thus, leads to the final exam; the sonohysterogram. After my less than pleasant experience I had with the  hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test last year, I was a little apprehensive for this one. Also, to my surprise, Dr. M was not performing this exam. I was fortunate enough to have the OB/GYN resident do it. Yes, I am being sarcastic, but for the sake of learning, she needs the experience to be the best physician she can be. First, a speculum was inserted and after a few quick and painful jabs to my cervix, the resident informed me that she was going to use another type of speculum as my “cervix was high”, whatever that means. After the speculum was in place, she swabbed my cervix with iodine. She then inserted a catheter into my uterus and that is when the cramping started. Holy hell was it uncomfortable. She then injected a saline solution through the catheter, removed the speculum and then the not so magical wand was inserted again to check for any abnormalities. Thankfully, both fallopian tubes were patent and my uterus looked just fine. The wand and catheter was removed and the exam was over.

I have to say, it was extremely painful for me. My period cramps have always been painful, but this was far worse. It was also weird that I could feel AND hear the saline being injected into my uterus. All the while I was taking the deep breaths, avoiding any tears, I was the resident’s cheerleader, ensuring her she was doing a great job because that is the kind of person I am.

One may think that this was an adventure that lasted most of the day, but I was at the office for about an hour. I am so thankful my mother and sister were able to come with me as they were able to keep me preoccupied before and after my appointment.

Until next time.




Poetry, Prose and The Universe

I wrote this after having an incredible experience at Barnes and Noble last month. It was a great opportunity to share my writing and my love for interventions from the unknown.

March 2, 2017

This afternoon, while driving to Barnes and Noble, I once again found myself thinking about if I could ever find the strength and courage to recite my poetry in front of a group of people. This has been weighing heavily on my mind lately and is just one of the many thoughts I think about on a daily basis. Honestly, I am not shy by any means, but I am quiet, reserved and only like to share parts of me with people that I trust. I contemplate this issue that has been plaguing my mind the last few weeks and I park my car. Once I am inside Barnes and Noble, I walked towards the poetry section where I found an older gentleman browsing through a book while I naturally look for Charles Bukowski’s poetry and prose.

A few moments pass by when the gentleman sparks a conversation with me,

“Do you like poetry?”

I smile and say, “I do”.

He then asks, “Do you write poetry?”

With confidence and pride I say, “I do”.

“Well, if I recite a poem of mine, I would like you to recite one of your poems to me”.

At this moment I am turning red and trying to articulate my words as I was taken aback by his request.

“You want me to recite one of my poems? I do not know any by heart. Actually, this is not true, I do know a few by heart, but I do not know if I can do this.”

He says to me, “Sure you can, I will recite one and then you can do the same”.

I then say, “Listen, I would be happy to hear your poem, but I want to apologize in advance that I may not be able to fulfill my part of the bargain”.

He then says, “Okay, I am going to recite a poem for you. It is called ‘Dreams’”.

He recites his poem and my body is feeling numb by this out of this world encounter. Little does he know, the word “dream” is a word that is a common theme in my life and holds great meaning. When he is done, I thank him for taking the time to share his poem for me and apologize for my lack of confidence. I then tell him that I am a firm believer of being at the right place at the right time and he laughs, puts his hand on my left shoulder and he said, “So do I, God bless you young lady”. He walks away from me and I am in awe. It was not even 10 minutes ago that I was asking myself if I would ever have the courage to share my writing/poetry with anyone and then to meet this person was mesmerizing. Sure, I let fear get the best of me, but this was not a chance encounter.

A few moments pass by and I have this feeling of urgency come over me that I need to find this person. I tell myself, “God, if this is a sign of the universe that is to hold great meaning in my life, this man needs to say the word ‘angel’”.

I walk by the puzzle books and I find him standing there. We exchange names, talk about our careers and then I tell him about how I had a conversation with myself about having the courage to share my poetry with the masses. He then says, “We are just two people, browsing books at this fine place, reading poetry to fulfill our sensitive nature. Do you think this is by chance? I do not think so. I hope this meeting was fulfilling for you as it was for me. If I may, I have one last thing to tell you”.

We are facing each other again and our eyes lock. At this point I am crying because I am a very spiritual person, a spiritual person that is open to wisdom, kindness and life lessons from people I encounter in this life.

He then says, “Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, ‘Grow, grow.’”

He said the word angel

Thank you, universe.